Due to the profound amount of positive feedback the Christmas Sandwich Review has received, we’ve decided that our future lies in sitcom-writing and we currently have a concept in the pipeline.
Let me set the scene. It’s the early 90s, and 5 York-based friends find love, friendship and themselves in a multitude of quirky capers. Romance blossoms, withers, and dies but throughout all of their often hilarious misadventures they know they will always have each other. Our protagonists: Monica, Chad, Raquelle, Ross, Joseph and Phoebe are the stars of ‘Buddies’ (featuring cameos from Tom Selleck and others.)
Before you rush online and buy the boxset on Blu-Ray, you may or may not have noticed that we have plagiarised this format and I’ll save you the effort of trawling through 10 years of great, great hair and tell you Ross and Rachel eventually get together (after a romantic history as up-and-down as as Chandler’s breakfast- post weightloss) and Chandler and Monica also end up doing the do (who’d have thought it? You had Selleck: Magnum PI on the cards and you went for Matthew Perry? That’s like being offered a flapjack and a hug- from the most majestic moustache on television, and deciding you’d rather put your face in the George Formby grill.) As for Joey and Phoebe? They both go it alone and believe me when I say, I’ve had Jennifer Aniston-inspired erections longer than their solo careers.
So my question I pose to you, dear readership is this: if ‘Buddies’ is dead in the water; if you’ve heard it all before, and if even Selleck can’t breathe life into the franchise, why the FUCK have Timeout London been allowed to steal our format and release their own christmas sandwich review?
Next they’ll be using pre-pubescent colloquialism to excuse the otherwise jejune linguistics in their reviews.
Onto the business proper. Let us show you why we are the original and best guide to sandwiches this christmas. I like to think of us as the ‘Heinz’ of reviews. Sure, you can go for a cheap imitation. Sure, for a while it might feel good. I’ll raise you a third sure: for a while you might even question why you bothered with us in the first place seeing as this new brand leaves a suitable aftertaste and it’s cheaper than the leading brand. But believe me when I say if you dip into us, you know we are the real deal and if you act like a cheap arsehole you can only expect the shittiest portion.
The Pret Christmas Sandwich
Living in London, the abundance of Pret A Manger restaurants is plain to see. If you drunkenly take a piss in a doorway anywhere within zone 1 there is an over 60% chance you will be pissing on a Pret. If you include Starbucks and Costa that figure rises to well over 90%, but with Starbucks and Costa I would actively encourage the practise, and if you are desperate why not drop your trousers and curl out a Christmas log on their doorstep. That is essentially what they serve to you in a cardboard cup with every visit.
Unlike the below par corporate giants mentioned above, I find the proliferation of Pret A Manger a little comforting because at least they hold themselves to a much higher standard of fresh sandwich making, so you know you will never be far from a decent lunch.
So mid-November came, and the Pret sandwich development team served up their annual Christmas special.
The staples we have come to expect: turkey, cranberries, stuffing and some sort of obligatory salad leaf. All present and correct.
But on closer inspection there was more to this sandwich than meets the eye. Last year Pret dropped the ball somewhat with an apricot and walnut stuffing. This year I am pleased to report a staggering return to form with a crispy pork stuffing along with what I can only describe as a complete masterstroke: crispy onions. The onion flavour cuts through the other ingredients adding an earthy sweetness but also a satisfying crunchy texture.
This all combines to make a winning formula and caps off a vintage year for Pret A Manger….the acceptable face of corporate lunch establishments.
It is worth also pointing out this is part of a much larger Christmas menu from Pret, which also includes a soup and a hot wrap as well as a vegetarian Christmas sandwich. It seems their strategy this year is somewhat inspired by the old adage: “throw enough shit, some sticks.” Whether the other dishes can also deliver remains to be seen, but stick this sandwich certainly does.